Being Aaron Michael

I love TV, and even more than TV, I love DVR.  DVR allows you to skip commercials and rewind live TV (this is usually only used to look at hot girls again or verify a mistake in the shows continuity).  With the luxury of skipping commercials you instantly think “wow, I’ll never have to watch another commercial trying to get me to drink Vitamin Water or be more concerned with the term ‘weak stream’ “.  However it never happens!  If anything you may use the DVR to re-watch a particular commercial.  There is one commercial I am seeing a lot right now that I have huge problem with.  I know most people have seen it.  It’s the one that takes place in a hip restaurant/bistro and they show people enjoying their gourmet entrees only to have this bombshell dropped on them - “the pasta was delivered by Pizza Hut!”.  The patrons can’t believe it! Since there is a hidden camera, this has to be true!  Right?  There are so many things that make me want to scream about this commercial…

Apparently, I can no longer write blogs due to my recently developed adult-ADD.  I think of a good topic and one of the following things occurs…

1) I forget the topic
2) I start writing and forget why I wanted to write about whatever topic it is
3) I start writing and realize it’s not blog-able material
4) I start writing and then i notice something shiny on my desk and forget what I was doing and then check Facebook out of habit

However, I do have a list of a few topics to write about so I wont forget them (unless of course i forget where I put the list). 

Now that I am nearing my 30’s, a lot of my acquaintances are venturing into parenthood.  One thing that I have noticed about their kids is that the baby instantly develops a nickname.  The most popular equation is simply throwing an “Y” on the end of the name (sounds like E), see below…

*** Mark + Y  = Marky
*** Jake + Y = Jakey
*** Sam + Y = Sammy
*** Jim + Y = Jimmy
I think that is enough examples (eventhough they are all boys names, im sure it works for girls names as well)

What I don’t get is that I dont know any adults that are called Marky or Jakey.  So there has to be a time where the kid out-grows their baby nickname.  But when is this?  Is there a cutoff? And how the hell does the family train itself to call them by their grown-up name?  I think we should set a deadline.  My initial thought is that when a kid turns 13 they instantly should be called what they are going to be called from then on.  Unless the kid is super masculine at a younger age, maybe they are shaving at 11 or chewing tobacco at 12, those kids earn the right to be nullify their baby nickname quicker and transition to their real name (they should also be able to change their name to Bruce or Tank).  After that 13th birthday, family and friends who slip up by calling them Joey or Timmy should be penalized.  Next question, what is a fair punishment?  Obviously violence is always the first form of punishment that comes to mind.  But what level violence is a good trade off for calling someone by the wrong form of their name?  Here are my suggestions…

1 Slip Up - The person who is guilty has to stand facing a wall and the kid gets to whip a raquetball at their back

2 Slip Ups - The guilty party has to stand with their back against the wall, and this time the kid can use a golf ball to whip at them

3 Slip Ups - The grown up is tied to a chair and the kid can do whatever he/she wants as long is draws blood.

I think it would be safe to assume there wouldn’t be a 4th slip up.  My parents are lucky you can’t put a “Y” on end of my name to cuten it up at all.

Since there is nothing else on TV the only thing to watch is the Olympics.  I find some of the Olympics compelling and I find some so inane that I can’t help but say…WTF!  Please explain to me why speed walking is a sport, let alone an Olympic sport.  I watched for a solid 30 minutes just so I can figure out what the hell I was watching.  Here are a few observations…

*** There are commentators.  They literally say nothing.  These people are talking about how tough it is to be a walk racer (that’s the PC term).  It just so happens to be raining and all these commentators are talking about how the rain causes ”bubbling” on the surface and how the walk racers can trip over these “bubbles” if they aren’t careful.  So let me get this straight, the walkers have to be careful not to trip over water….while WALKING.  - “oh I’m sorry I tripped over some water during my after-dinner stroll” - Play a real sport, you make Poker look athletic.

*** They look ridiculous.  If you have never seen walk racing, I will paint a picture.  First start with a homely soccer mom…dress her like a runner…make her walk like Ace Ventura…with flippers on her feet…while shaking an invisible hula-hoop on her ass…then tell her to go for a 10K walk, but she has to come home for dinner in precisely 90 mins…but there’s a catch…you can’t run…only walk…FAST!!!

*** As hard as it is to analyze, People actual try.  I’ll save you some time.  There is no analysis.  It’s fast walking.  Don’t and try to sugar coat it.  They can talk about different fluids each of the “competitors” prefer.  Which is funny because an old person that drinks Ensure could handle this “sport”.  They can talk about their diets.  Look, I walked uptown the other day, very fast, and I picked up a pizza.  I was only 35 seconds from qualifying.

*** Practice?  How the hell do you practice speed walking.  Wouldn’t just say “fuck it” and start to run at some point.  Maybe they mount something on a helmet for them to chase, and if move to fast they shot with a stun gun.  I can picture the soccer mom’s coach taking out his old beer can hard hat and a fishing pole.  Strapping the pole to the hard hat then lastly putting the keys to a new Volvo on the hook and then ZAP!!!!

*** There are warnings and disqualifications.  “Damn it, I hate it when I mean to walk but I accidentally started to break into run”.  Can you get DQ’d in real sprints if you “accidently” start to walk?  I don’t think so.  When you get warned, a guy comes out and steps in front of you while shoving a yellow paddle in your face.  No pun intended, but wouldn’t you just want to run him over?

*** They aren’t bright.  As I stated, it was pouring during this “Olympic walking marathon”, well one of the ladies grabbed a bottle of water from a spectator and poured it on her head…WHILE IT’S POURING!

Ok, I’m bored with this, time to watch something competitive.  Is fishing an Olympic sport yet?   

I know, I know I say this over and over, but I am really going to start this up again.  You’re asking, “well what’s different this time Aaron?”  I will tell you this…I have no idea!  Maybe I feel like funny things to write about are coming to me more and more.  Maybe it’s that I need hobby.  Who knows the reason but enjoy!

No matter how many people i talk to each day, there seems to be a common theme or subject that arises…the economy.  It seems like most people are affected (or effected, I always forget which).  So it got me to thinking, is this the closest our generation will get to seeing the “Great Depression”?  And then I figured, if it is then I should start remembering certain things so I can relay to my grandchildren how bad we had in the “Minor Recession Pre-Election 08″.  Then I realized something absolutely hysterical…the things that we think are tough make us look like sissy’s compared to the 20’s.  Though I missed the “Great Depression” by a mere 80 plus years, I feel like I was there due to the movies Cinderella Man and any Batman movie. 

THEN - People had to wait in lines for the possibilty of getting milk.
NOW - People go to Old Navy and stuff as many clothes into a bag for 20% off.

THEN - Farmers noticed the price of crops drop approx. 50%.
NOW - More and more people are shopping at Aldi’s.

THEN - Guys had to go to worksites just in case they needed an extra laborer.
NOW - Tim Horton’s always has 4 or 5 extra employees working and none of them know what’s going on.

THEN - People were handed rationing coupons so they were guaranteed food for their family.
NOW - Every store has their own club card/punch card/keychain card that try to sell you on.

THEN - FDR introduced “The New Deal” to help relieve the Great Depression.
NOW - On Black Friday, people fight each other over things like DVD Players and Flat Screen TV’s.

Well, hopefully that’s as close as the similarities get!

With an economy in shambles and the US Dollar plummetting faster than Roger Clemens’ credibility, I have decided to call this year “The Great ‘08 Depression”.  Not because of the obvious reasons, but mainly because I am depressed that all of our bills are going up which means less money to spend on drugs and video games.  However, yesterday something happened that made me realize how tough others may have it.  I was checking out a store, I got my receipt and was about to leave, the cashier started helping the lady behind me and this is what I hear…

worker - “4 dollars in gas?” (I glance over to see who was only buying 4 dollars of gas, it was an older woman, so i felt bad that she couldn’t afford to buy more gas)

woman - “yes, and these too” (she puts down some lotto tickets, i start fumbling with my wallet to delay to see if I heard everything correctly)

When the worker gives the lady her total…of 24 DOLLARS!!! Thats right, 20 dollars in lotto tickets and 4 dollars in gas.  I wanted to stick around to see if this woman was gonna pay in all coins or maybe some pop bottles to figure out why she just didn’t get an extra dollar of gas or maybe even an extra lotto ticket, but I thought I should leave because I was starting to appear unnatural. 

From there it was clear where her prioritites are, so I started thinking of what the motives behind her priorities could be.  This is the best of many scenarios that I could envision to make this make sense…she is in need of a major body organ, she could die any day without it but she doesnt have any money, she buys the 4 dollars of gas because the last place she needs to drive is approximately 23 miles away, she is buying the lotto tickets as a last effort to score big in order to buy whatever organ she needs…Think thats it?  Probably not but it kept entertained for quite awhile last night.

I thought maybe I’d walk outside and notice that she was only filling a gas can for her snowblower, and that she would have a fully-gassed Cadillac and she was buying the lotto tickets for charity…but that was not the case.

Any better ideas?

It’s official!  Cat Nip is definitely the feline version of weed.  A recent purchase for Jake and Jaxson removes any doubts we had about cat nip being like a “drug” for the kitties.  They follow almost the exact same routine as people do when smoking the ganja.  First there is a little excitement, the cats are hyper for a little bit.  Then after a few minutes, they just lay there like they ran a marathon, then when they get the motivation, they get up and make their way to the food bowl to cure their munchies outbreak.  After that, it’s back to the couch to watch South Park, Sportscenter, or The Big Lebowski.  The next day rolls around, Jake wakes up next to Jaxson and looks at him and his expression says a thousand words…”how did I end up next to “you” last night?…what happened?”  After they scour the kitchen to see if we dropped any extra food, they are start going back to the scene of the crime, where the cat nip was.  They catch a mild scent and they start getting itchy.  Jake starts getting cotton mouth and Jaxson is looking up at me just begging me to get the “weed bag” out again, even though their “weed bag” looks strikingly like an old curtain from the 70’s rolled up. 

Some of my previous blogs are revolved around products that we see on the market.  Sometimes, I will see something think “what the crap are they trying to do?”.  Well last night I was at the Sabres game, and sure enough, they were whoring out one of these ”WTF” products.  Intense Milk.  I know what you’re thinking…”What the F**K is Intense Milk?”.  Exactly, why does milk have to be more intense.  My stomach can’t handle regular or skim milk, I can’t imagine Intense Milk.  That would surely result in a long week. 

Here is the tagline from the website (http://www.upstatefarms.com/intense.asp)…

“Too Intense? Deal with it!   Print )           One sip and you’ll know why we call it intense   Our Intense Milks are made with the finest ingredients, real sugar, and fresh milk to give you an unforgettably intense flavor experience. Can You Handle It? “ Ummmm, handle what exactly.  I just want to drink milk.  I definately do not want to worry if I “can handle it”.  Not to mention, I dont wanna be bossed around when trying to enjoy my milk.  I do not appreciate being told to “deal with it!”.  How about this rebuttal to the pushy bastards in charge of this “eat glass!”.   There are so many other products I would much rather see intensified… 1) Intense Pizza - maybe we can put 2 or 3 pizzas on top of each other 2) Intense Cheeseburger - 2lb burger anyone? 3) Intense Coffee - One sip, and you will be awake for 48 hours then suffer from caffeine withdrawl 4) Intense Sponge Candy - Sponge Candy the size of actual sponges.

I am just having a hard time imagining a milk that once you drink you say “wow that is intense!”.  Especially for what seems to be normal chocolate milk with the correct level one should expect when dealing with milk intensity.  Stupid.

Hola!  I have to apologize for my complete ineptness to come up with any remotely entertaining topics to write about.  Except for now…i hope!

We all know the cliche saying “we want what we cant have”.  Well along those same lines, I think its hilarious when someone tells you not to do something and it takes every fiber in our body to not do what they say.  For example…

Scenario #1 - You are out to eat at a restuarant, and the waitress brings you your plate and says “be careful, this plate his hot”.  What do you do immediately?  You touch the damn plate thinking “it cant be that hot” eventhough the plate is sizzling and you can see the steam .  Then you say “wow shes f**king right, that was hot”

Scenario #2 - The weather is bad and someone says “be careful, the roads are bad”.  Well that first turn you take, what do you do? You gas the pedal and try to Dukes of Hazzard around the corner!  Sometimes this ends up with your car in a ditch, snow bank, or on someones front porch. 

Scenario #3 - Someone says “whatever you do, don’t watch _____ (insert TV show here)”.  30 secs later, you march to your DVR and make sure that you record the next episode.  You watch it and say “this show sucks and shouldn’t be on TV”.  You might then report your findings to whoever told about the show for them to say “no shit, i told you it blew”.

Scenario #4 - You are out enjoying some drinks and somone says “ILL this is the most disgusting drink I ever had”.  All of sudden there is a line of dumbasses that want to subject themselves to same level of grossness that their counterpart encountered”.  This screnario could easily result in puking, blackouts, and hooking up with ugly people!

So here is my challenge to you.  Try not to blink.  When you are consciously not trying to blink, its all you wanna do.  BLINK! Then just a few seconds into this torture, your eyes start burning making it even harder not to blink away.  “must extinguish my eye balls” 

 Stay tuned, I should be back updating every day or every other day.  Feedback is welcomed!

We are five weeks deep into the NFL season and I can only ask myself one question…When the hell did I get addicted to fantasy sports?  I have always been a fan but never obsessed.  I have done a few fantasy football leagues in the past, but this year I am in 3 fantasy leagues and 2 pools.  Basically it  has comepletely taken over my mind and its all i think of now.  I will watch a highlight and think to myself “is he available?  who has him?  will he trade him?  when his bye week?  who can i trade for him?”. 

There is nothing wrong with my new hobby.  However, I do feel that there are two parties in my case that are directly effected by my fantasy football crack addiction…

1) Zach - He gets about 8-10 txt messages paired with 2-3 phone calls a day that are just “what would zach do… scenarios about possible trades in one of my leagues…see excerpt

me - “dude how about Brady/Randle El for Simms/Bennett”
Zach - “no”
me - I go into an offended rant as to why it would be a good deal and why it benefit me
Zach - “no”

2) Seneca Data - Since one of my leagues is through my job, I think that it is only fair to spend work time on my team, potential trades, and matchup reports.  I want to feel bad about this, but since there are 15 other dudes in the league that are doing the same thing as from 8a - 10a, and again from 3p till 4:55p i dont feel as bad.  I do feel bad for the company as a whole because between there the 16 of us, our priotities are elsewhere.  Like the other day, a customer called just as I was making a blockbuster trade I simply said “look, I am just about to acquire Braylon Edwards, I will need to call you back at a time that better conveniences me”.  I now have an auto-response for my email that pops up after 3 stating “I will be in a meeting from 3p-5p discussing possible trade scenarios for LT and Carson Palmer.  Please leave me a message and after my blockbuster is complete, I may get back to you”

What sux is that no matter how much work I neglect to concentrate on fantasy football, my team will still BLOW!

Whats next you ask…Fantasy Hockey…Online Gambling…Bingo

Apparently, there is a feature on this site that allows me to review any album I want.  This is funny to me because I have no business saying what is good and what is not.  I have voluntarily owned cds by the following: Shaq, Deion Sanders, Celine Dion, Kenny G, Little Vicious (8-year old reggae singer), and Joey Lawrence.  Clearly I should be on musical probation and should never tell anyone what is “good” when it comes to musical test (at least I can admit this).  However, when given a lemon you’re supposed to make lemonaide, right?.  Not sure how that applies but whatever.  Check out my detailed review below. 

Sam’s Town