Being Aaron Michael

Top Ten Reasons why I love the holidays (Sarcastic Version)

10.) You get shit you normally wouldnt get like coats, lotto tickets, and statues of wildlife animals

9.) Getting a stocking from my parents that includes an abundance of gum, some kind of new-age bar of soap, and OneADay Vitamins. Evidentally my mom is trying to tell me that my breath stinks, i should shower more and I need more Vitamin C. Thanks Ma!

8.) Beating my brothers ass all around the house.

7.) Its time to pull out the NSYNC Christmas Album, errr no the Clay Aiken errr Jessica Simpson ahh nevermind I cant win here.

6.) What better way to get piss drunk than at a nice company Christmas party. No one will look at you the same after this episode. “Dude, remember dumping that bowl of Jell-O down your pants? That was great”

5.) Meeting back at the homestead when everyone who moved away congregates at whatever bar is popular that week. Then having a 45 sec convo with someone you didnt like before but now all of a sudden is acting interested in what you are doing now. You know the convo…”hey nice to see you. you look good” “what are you doing now” “just working” “you?” “same” This is then followed up but 15 seconds of awkward silence when you are looking around the bar to find any excuse to cut that “convo” short. Time wasted: 49 seconds.

4.) I love how drivers in this area grow exponentially dumber when there is snow falling, rain falling, and more drivers on the road. This is a time to drive smarter. Not dumber. Speed Up JACKASS!

3.) The genuine surprise of unwrapping all the gifts that you knew you were getting because Mom and Dad either bought them with you present or just gave you the money and said “go buy it your damn self…and have it wrapped”

2.) Having nothing to do after 10 o’clock in the morning on Christmas day because no stores around town are open and now that I am older my gifts arent to be “played”, “put together”, or “fed”.

1.) Regifting that precious Santa Clause sippy cup that gram got ya (please dont tell her that I’m 24, might take the fun out of it).

Doctors think that doses of the drug ecstacy will “ease the pain” during the last days of a dying cancer patient.  Doctors said this?  Doctors go to school for years and train for their job for years, and they didnt think of this sooner?  Why didnt anyone ask me?  I would have told them…DUH!  Well Hello Dr. Bartz.  I am sure that you could say the same for the hundreds of other illegal, mind- expanding narcotics.  Drugs will pretty much ease the pain of anything wont it.  Get injured playing sports, you take a pain killer.  DRUG ADDICT!  Trouble waking up in the morning, you take that cup of coffee loaded with caffeine.  DRUGGY!  Sore Throat, headache, flu, cold…DRUGS DRUGS and MORE DRUGS.  Those are physical pains, why not emotional pains?  Death, Depression, Anxiety…Bring on the Crack, Dope and E.  That will make everything easier.  Trust me.  Doctors have a hunch that someone dying of cancer will deal with the situation better if they are all hopped on E.   Im sure that anyone will deal with ANY situation better.  Try going to WalMart on Christmas Eve high as kite, it will seem like a stroll in the park im sure.  I’m sure that trip to the dentist to have your wisdom teeth pulled would be like taking candy from a baby of you took a “puff of the magic dragon”.  How can doctors have this theory now?  Ppl have been living this as a reality for centuries.  Anything to numb the pain will work.  No matter what the pain is even if its a paper cut…where’s my pipe?

Note to Mother Bartz - Please dont leave any comments that are proving my statements to be fiction.  Also, please do not, i repeat, do not send me any brochures regarding the use of E and it effects on the body. 

Hope everyone had a great Christmas season.  I am sorry that I have not updated much lately.  With the holidays here, I have been quite busy.  Plus I havent had anything really funny to mind lately.  Had a few ideas but they didnt come out right on paper.  Maybe this entry is funny.  Who knows.  I hope everyone got everything they wanted for Christmas.  I did! (except that pony)  Stay tuned, cuz right after I post this I am going to work on another for tomorrow or the next day.  What was your favorite gift you rec’d?  What was your favorite gift you gave? 

I just found the perfect all-around excuse for anything.  Anything at all that you need a quick-fix way out of. Any trouble you get in to, all you have to do is utter this phrase and people will be forced to say “Oh really?  Well it’s ok then”.  What is that magical phrase you ask?  All you have to say is…. “I have Adult A.D.D”. Thats it.  Not that magical, but I foresee this becoming a very important part of my life.  I dont have Adult A.D.D per say, but I want it.  When someone says to me “Aaron, why were you 45 minutes late for that meeting”, I wanna be able to say “Lets go get ice cream”.  Then when I get a cockeyed look like “what the hell just happened here?”, I can say “Sorry, Adult ADD”.  Or how about “Aaron, why didnt you hand in your homework?”  I’ll just say “Dude, I dont even know what your talking about.  Did I just see mouse?”

I know Adult ADD is not something to laugh at, but what made me think of it was this ridiculous commerical I saw for some break-through medication to help ppl with Adult ADD focus better.  How can I say this?  Uhhhh NO!  I would love to be so absent minded about work that I would need a pill just to concentrate long enough to accomplish a simple task.  I wouldnt take my pill on purpose.  I want to sit there and day dream.  I definately dont WANT to do work so leave me alone.  What I got a real kick out of was the side effects of this new med.  Just in order to concentrate a little better the following may occur:  Headaches, nausea, insomnia, abdominal pain, dizziness….should I continue?  OK…vomiting, loss of appetite, coughing, tract infections, high blood pressue and my personal favorite…DRUG DEPENDENCE!!!  All this for a little concentration?  If you think you may have Adult ADD, my advice would be to let it ride cuz I think I would much rather be a little distant in my head than having any one of the side effects.  Sure the meds might help you concentrate and read a menu but you but you will be in the bathroom before you can even enjoy what you order.   No thanks.  Now wheres my kite?

Hope all is well with everyone.  Sorry I havent written anything lately.  I hope this one comes across and comical for you.  So my question now is…What would be a perk to having Adult ADD?  Personally I dont think its even real.  I think its the equivilant of a “hallmark holiday”.  This is a “Drug company Disease”.  They are psyching ppl into thinking they are having issues with concentration when the bottom line is…WE ARE LAZY!!!