Being Aaron Michael

When people start getting so lazy that they can’t even sign their whole name on an email or note.  Aaron would become A.  Kareem would become K.  I think you catch the drift.  But now I will have to associate my friends and family by the first letter of their name, then my problem is that I will only be able to allow myself the maximum of 26 friends (26 letters in the English alphabet = 26 friends).  Issues will definately arise because now I have to ask myself who should I refer to as my “J” friend.  Will it be Jeff? Jon? or Joe?  Whats the equation to figure how who should be where.  Heaven for bid ppl use their whole name.  You could then start using ppls last name but then you can be friends with brothers, sisters, or paternal side cousins.  Limited.  I am sure you could incorporate a few of the major symbols such as @, $, &, and * as other friends.  So I have some openings…if there are any Quintens and/or Victrums please let me know. 

Along the same lines I have noticed that people have stopped using “vs.” as a proper conjuction between two sides of a match up (Sharks vs. Jets).  Instead people are using the much shorter and highly convenient “v.”.  Ok so now even Bills v. Ravens looks like a lardmark court case (i.e. McCulloch v. Maryland).  Let me get this straight writing “vs.” is too much for people to do?  Why is everyone in such a hurry?  Like the jackass behind me at the light today that was chirping his horn because I took an extra 1.5 seconds when the light changed.  I couldn’t see the friggin like cuz jackass’ high beams were causing me temporay blindness.  So he zoomed past me.  Naturally, I sped up and tailgaited him.  We took the same exit.  In the wonderful town of North Tonawanda there are 8 different routes to get to the same place.  He took one and I took one.  Ended up cutting him off at the next street.  We pulled into my parking lot, he pulled into his.  Parked facing each other.  He scurried to get inside, I took my time.  It was quite fun for a Tuesday night.  Ok back to this “vs.” thing.  I think it is bad enough that “vs.” was created to shorten “versus” and now we are shortening a two letter phrase to one.  To be brutally honest, I didnt even know “versus” was a real word until I was 17 or 18.  So here is the timeline of the epic journey of the word “versus”.

First - David versus Goliath

Then becomes - David vs. Goliath

Then becomes - David v. Goliath

Then becomes D v. G

Then becomes - ???????? - What will be next you ask?  How much shorter can it be?

I hope everyone is doing well and that this entry made you think.  So for comments I think you should share with others what you think might be “overly convenient”.  Take care everyone!

I was at a Barnes and Noble Cafe and felt in desperate need of a drink.  I stand in this long ass line waiting to buy a bottle of FIJI water.  I find out that its a mere $3.50 for a bottle of water.  After I deal with that and pysch myself into using my debit card to purchase water (yes the same water that we get from a tap in any outhouse), I start to think even more.  Maybe this water is “different”.  It is almost four bucks but maybe cuz its “different” in some way.  Maybe reading the bottle will help clarify.  Start to read some about this water that is “bottled at the source”.  Well these are exerpted paraphrases that I have conjured “bla bla bla something about volcano eruptions and pristine rainforests” causes “the best water source of all time” or something.  Whatever genius they had that wrote this line of bullshit really sold me.  Because now that I’ve read this I magically started thinking that maybe this water is “different” and that maybe when I take a swig all world hunger will be solved, michael jackson will be left alone, and there will be a taste explosion in my mouth that is only paralleled by that of a late night Mighty Taco binge.  It was a solid 5 minutes of line time I had (or as some assholes in big cities call it “queue”), so I had plenty of opportunity to sell myself on justifying this purchase.  Selling myself on the chances that this water just might be “different”.  Hell, I saw this kind on an episode of “Friends” so it must be good.  By the time I get to the register to pay, I am plain excited.  So excited that I almost want to tear into that bottle right away.  Patience is a virtue.  I wanna wait.  Maybe it will make it better.  The longer I wait my hold a direct relationship with how “different” this water is.  I keep waiting.  I am not sure where this sudden burst of self control came from but there it was in the flesh.  Patiently waiting.  Finally my time has come, after the dweeb in front of me cashes out for his 1/2 regular-1/2 diet cola concoction, I can buy my FIJI water.  The lady fumbles with my debit card only prolonging the potential magic that is FIJI.  Finally, I sign.  I get my card back and my 3 pieces of unnessary paper for a receipt (maybe this came from the same rainforest that brutally murdered for my FIJI water experinece) and I can now turn and experience nirvana.  I turn back to my table.  Crack the bottle top off of there….and…..its just normal fucking water.

Over a month since my last post, I feel that it is now a safe assumption that I am no longer funny.  My mind is no longer thinking “outside of the box” so to speak.  I have also decided that the people that I surround myself are more funny than I am.  Check out Jesters Site and you will see what I mean.  He just updated his so I guess it was time for me to steal his material.  So for this half-assed entry I am going just assemble a group of quotes from my friends and hope that they feed your hunger for funniness.  Who knows maybe someday soon, like a brick to the face, I’ll be hilarious again. 

“You always puke when go there and your brother always gets laid”  -  Obi, after I tell him about a night out my bro and I had in Baltimore.

“How come you dress normal and your bro dresses like a homo”  -  Paul, My brothers friend that I met for the first time.  After a bunch of drinks this later got construed to “I dress like a hobo and my bro dresses normal”.  Thats what I get for wearing jeans and a Beastie Boys shirt. 

“Boy you really took that out context and then turned into a whole sci-fi movie.  Do they dance too”  - Obi, His response after reading an article about a newly discovered species of Octopus that uses two of their arms and can walk on them.  For some reason he didnt believe me when I told him that “they found a new kind of Octopus.  It can run on land or some shit”

“I hope my parents’ house burns down and they hate you for ever” - Me, to Obi after finding out hes watching my parents house and feeding the cats while they are out of town.  I actually made myself laugh more than Obi did.  haha

Obi - “I am feeding your cat while you are gone”               

Me - “we have two cats”

Obi - “well I am only feeding one asshole”

“talking to you is like talking to a wall” - Jeff, after he and I went on and on about making plans to hang at 5 or at 6 or something.  He kept changing the plans, I swear.

“I just beat the shit out of your cats” -  Obi, after a quick update after he went to supposedly “feed” the cats.  Obi is always available to watch your pets and loved ones. 

“I guess I’ll just be going home at six” - Jeff, after he went to verify plans and I responded with “we’ll see”.  Evidentally that means the plans are off.  Not sure how accurate that is.  Thanks for the faith. 

“I hope the whole Ravens plane crashes into a moutain and everyone lives except (Art) Modell” - Scott, his reponse after I told him I got long awaited black Ed Reed Ravens Jersey. Scott is a die hard Browns fan and we can see his frustration.  Not to mention the New Browns suck ass.  Sorry dude.  At least your a Yankees fan, and they win.  Well sometimes.  They dont win when they have a 3-0 series lead to go to the World Series. 

“I didn’t realize that I was playing Mary Kallenback and DeeDee Bartz” - Zach, evidently calling Dan and I out during a game of Beer Pong.  We Dismantled he and Obi for the record.  It was quite the clinic.

If you have any good quotes you wanna post please do so.  I dont want to discount my other friends that are indeed quite funny.  I had some good quotes from other ppl but I have completely forgotten them.  Hope all is well…please offer any good quote or comments…happy easter.