Being Aaron Michael

This is as random as they come.  I am bored.  I am on a flight.  So I’m just gonna write just a bunch of random shit.  Stuff that couldn’t fill a whole blog but enough it interesting with little things that made me chuckle…

Like the guy next to me who brought a McDonald’s bag full of fried shit as his “carry-on”.  Judging by the size of this bag, I can see why he had to count it as his personal item.  I’ll stick with me sip of soda and 19 peanuts they give out. 

Like how the new Stephen Lynch CD is ridiculously funny.  Anytime I hear a song about a guy only liking black girls, my day becomes a little brighter.  Not sure if it is a coincidence or not but there is a hot black flight attendant on this flight. 

Like how that commercial for Wendy’s that pisses me off.  You know the one.  Where the voice-over says something like “if you aren’t buying off of our dollar menu, you mine as well just eat your dollar”.  Then that stupid moron in the commercial actually put a dollar bill in his mouth and eats.  I hope you get lead poisoning. 

Like how my brothers new solution for everything is “just a hire a guy”.  And by “guy” he means “mexican”.  He gave me a few boxes of tile for my house.  I told him that I don’t how to tile anything.  He answers with “Just hire a mexican” 

Like how I went to a restaurant last night and saw the disappointing “future” for the Baltimore Ravens, Kyle Boller.  Boller has been hurt the last few weeks with a toe injury.  Suck it up punk.  If Donovan McNabb can play with a “sports hernia” and the movie Alien shooting out of his abs, you can play with an ingrown toenail.  So I walk behind him and whisper “enjoying your vacation?”  That’s a lie.  I didn’t do that.  But I did see him.

Like how my mom and dad are becoming packrats.  They save everything, including a framed school picture of me from the 10^th grade where I have this pathetic facial hair above my lip.  I looked like a mexican.  “Hey Howie, need help with that landscaping?” 

Like the girl I saw at Buffalo Wild Wings who was wearing a pink JP Losman jersey, black high heels, and big slutty hoop earrings.  Yuk.  Tryin’ a bit too hard.  Shouldn’t you be shooting a Justin Timberlake video?

Like that annoying guy in the EVERY commercial right now.  You know who he is.  He is the “chubby” (I use that description because David Spade refers to him as “chubs”) guy in the in Capital One commercials, Golden Grahams, Enterprise, and probably even Midol commercials.  I am pathetic I just googled it and found out his name is Nate Torrence.  He actually acts.  I am also ashamed to say he is on my favorite show, House. 

Any random thoughts striking you as funny lately?  I am sure I have more, but as usual I forgot them.  Leave something.  I would like to learn how to incorporate pictures into the site because it would be hilarious put a picture up of “chubs” so everyone knows who I mean.  Maybe the kid will google himself and my site will pop up.  Leave a comment if you do Mr. Torrence. 

Pepsi Co. should definitely hire me as their marketing big-wig.  I have figured out their master marketing plan and believe that I would be able to improve on what they have started.  What have they done you ask?  Well this is what they do.  Here it is.  Here is the clever million dollar idea.  They get an idea of a new soda they want to sell.  Sounds normal enough right?  Normal business practice, explore your vertical markets and see where you can improve your product offering.  So now here is the kicker.  All Pepsi Co. does is this…simply add the words “mountain” and “dew” to the bottle of the new soda and BAM you have what could be the new hottest thing.  This is a typical conversation that goes on behind closed doors at the Pepsi headquarters. 

Ivy League Grad Lackey – We should sell soda that is blue.

Overpaid Director w/ Associates Degree – People will think that it is Windex.

Ivy League Grad Lackey – Not if we tell them it’s Mountain Dew.  We could actually sell them Windex and as long as loosely call it Mountain Dew, people will pay for it.  I could piss in a bottle and call it Mountain Dew and people will be pay for it. 

Overpaid Director w/ Associates Degree – Sounds Great!  What other colors can we sell them?  By the way, I will be taking credit for this. 

That’s just the beginning.  There has been Code Red Mountain Dew, which tasted nothing like Mountain Dew and incidentally gave me a wicked headache whenever I drank it.  To compete with the popular energy drinks, that everyone seems to be drinking, there is a Mountain Dew version that just happens to be in those tall skinny trendy cans like Red Bull, I think they call it Mountain Dew No Fear Ginseng Green Tea or something.  Then there was other Pitch Black Mountain Dew that was actually purple or grape flavor.  Uhhh are they proving my point exactly or what?  We have had grape soda for years and years.  But what makes this grape soda different?  It says Mountain Dew on the bottle.  Ever have that craving for sour soda?  Well look no further than your local Uni-Mart.  The genius’ at Pepsi Co. already had that idea as well.  Guess what they call it?  If you guessed Sour Mountain Dew, you would only be half right.  This is Mountain Dew Pitch Black II – With a bite.  What a great ploy for the scary (and fast approaching) Halloween season. 

Well the Mountain Dew theory must be working because I bought this sour shit they are selling.  Let me tell you, it was gross.  It did taste grape, which I liked.  But it had this after taste that reminded of rancid orange juice.  That must have been the “bite” they mentioned on the label.  Why couldn’t they just leave the infamous Mountain Dew Pitch Black legacy the same?  It will never be the same for me.  Kinda like when you get a really good milk shake somewhere and you say “I can make this shit at home”.  Then you go home and try your hand at it, and it SUCKS.  Then the original good milk shake will never be the same.  In other words, leave the original Mountain Dew Pitch Black ALONE!

For the comments and responses, we need to come up with some other marketing ideas to whore out the Mountain Dew name too.  Let’s be creative.  Doesn’t have to be soda it could me anything.  Just keep it clean.  Or don’t.  Who Cares?  Just leave something.