Being Aaron Michael

For those of you know me well, you know that I have a standing bi-weekly appointment with every kind of doctor in a 10 mile radius.  Ok thats not true, but you get what I’m saying.   I did have a appointment last week with my new doctor.  Since I moved to Hamburg, I needed to find a new doc and somehow I stumbled across Doogie Howser.  He looks like he is 19 and is about 5′2″.  He can barely see over the bench they make you sit on.  Actually, he is very good.  But during my appointment, he was checking around my stomach for signs of pain that might indicate ulcers.  Then he says “wow, you have really small ribs”.  Uhhhhh what?  Then the midget doctor shows me how big is rib cage is and he was right.  Mine are small.  The boy genius doctor, who would have to be accompanied by an adult to take a flight, has a bigger rib cage than I do.  He assured that this is not a problem just weird.  Awesome!  Hopefully, one day, instead of being asshamed by newly diagnosed deformity I can be proud of my small rib cage.  Maybe one day someone famous will come out to word that “they, too, have small ribs for someone there size”.  Once the world hears the news about Jake Gylenhaal, or Orlando Bloom, or maybe even Brad Pitt (anyone but Kevin James, i dont want my condition associated with obesity), it will catch on and become a fad to have “small ribs”.  Normally, a chick would comment on a guys muscles, ass, high cheek bones, or dimples, instead you will hear “wow Sasha, check out that abnormally small rib cage!  Wow that makes me hot, i love how his ribs barely cover his lungs”.  Guys will be so jealous of me and Jake’s ribs that they will go in for a standard “rib reduction surgery”.  Maybe they will even name the procedure after me.  “I can’t do anything next friday, I am getting that “bartz” procedure done.” 

Most of you know my deep hatred for going to the gym.  If you dont know, let me fill you in…I hate it.  However, it is a necessary evil unless I wanna grow up to be a fat load (verified by my doctor this week).  Exercising sucks, no question about that.  But what I hate about the gym more than anything is the stupid tool boxes that go there like its a fucking nite club.  Whatever, thats another issue, for another day.  But today, I saw it all.  Two instances made me really wonder what ppl are thinking.  The first instance was this old dude just trying to get a work out in.  Awesome, good for you old man.  However dude, please cover up and wear shorts that fit.  We know old ppl have the tendency to pull their pants up high.  This was excessively high.  So high he gave himself a male camel-toe and was showing a bit of bottom butt crease.  I looked up at the wrong time and puked a little bit, swallowed, and promptly ended my work out.  But it was the instance before i noticed Papa Smurf’s danglers that was more of a head scratcher.  Sometimes you see someone and you just cant help but think “what the fuck is this guy thinking”.  Well this is one of those times to the highest degree.  Normal looking dude.  Normal size, wasnt all jacked out of his mind which implies he is not on beef ‘roids or HGH.  Which would also imply he is not drugged out of his mind.  Everything was plain, well he was wearing camo cargo shorts to the gym but thats not too bad.  Normal demeanor, EXCEPT for the fact that this headcase was wearing a fucking SKI MASK! Are you kidding me?  I dont even know where to start.  Thinking back, I still am baffled that I saw this twit in public and not on some stupid emo music video.  I exercised every idea in my head as to why he was wearing a ski mask, at the gym…other than maybe the guy is training for low budget cafeteria wrestling league where this doorknob thinks he always has to be in costume.  

Stay tuned!  This guy might be at your local VFW in the near future!

Is there somebody that you are friends with but you thrive off seeing them making a jackass out of themselves?  Well next time you’re in a car full of people and that person is there with you simply follow these steps and that person will be feeling minimal in no time.  Your first mission will be to gain control of the radio (use whatever military tactics needed to undermine the proper authority for completing this mission).  Next mission will be to get a song playing relatively loud that the person will sing along to (If it is a girl Pink or Kelly Clarkson should work, if its a dude prolly some Eminem, 50 Cent or Kelly Clarkson will prolly work here as well).  Then just when your “friend” is really revving up for the big falsetto note that is fast approaching, simply hit pause.  No airwaves.  Just an awkward ass moment in the car where everyone realizes just how truly hard he/she was trying to belt out those notes.  End Result - Embarrassed and Used!  Not to mention, just because Kelly Clarkson went from being a nobody to winning Grammy’s doesn’t mean your gonna do the same by singing along (chorus only) to her songs ESPECIALLY while riding in the backseat of my Saturn Vue (don’t bother asking why I have KC in my car anyway, i wont answer to anything).  Hopefully the lesson is learned and they will save their performances for the shower or solo car rides.  Pipe down!

I am all about companies altering a product to make life easier for the “already-lazy” consumer.  I fell for it.  Due to the fact that I ache a lot after just about everything I do (i.e. going up stairs, pumping gas, and drying off after a shower), I was at a drug store looking for Icy Hot.  Icy Hot sux to apply.  It smells bad, you get it all over, your hands become numb, and all of your clothes smell like a pack of Newports.  So when I saw an Icy Hot roll on stick, I was pretty stoked.  It never occurred to me that it looked very similar to deodorant.  Fast forward to present day, I am running late to get to Alan’s house on saturday.  I reach into the cupboard for my third application of deordorant that day (i am very anti-shower).  I apply and bolt.  I am in the car for a few mins when I start feeling a tingly sensation, feels like what I can imagine is a heart attack.  Then I start to smell something very strong and wintergreen-y.  Then 30 seconds later I feel the worse burning sensation.  I started flapping my arms up and down like a pigeon screaming about the bird flu.  It felt like having a bunch of paper cuts then pouring mouthwash over them.  Only then did it dawn on me…Unless Axe’s new kind of deodorant is called “ICY HOT”, I grabbed the wrong roll-on.  So, in conclusion…fuck you Icy Hot.  I know I am at fault but I would much rather blame you for producing a product that can be so easily confused with an everyday products.  Lets see if maybe we can get Windex to bottle their clear product in a Sierra Mist 2-liter.  That wouldnt be confusing.  Maybe we can figure out how to bottle up lightening bolts and put them in toothpaste tubes.  Either way…I hate ICY HOT and you should too!

So we all know that summer TV sucks ass.  Which is why I was watching the following “program” in the first place.  There I was actually paying attention to Rockstar: Supernova.  I then proceeded to ask myself the next logical question…do I have what it takes to be a part of the Rockstar: Supernova.  Mentally, I compiled a checklist of what these contestants have that I dont.  Why they are on the show and I’m not (besides having ambition to be a rockstar).  Then I figured why keep this knowledge to myself, I should let out the secret so we can all be rockstars like the legends of Supernova!  Review the following to see what you have to work on to live the dream that is Rockstar: SUPERNOVA!

Do You…             ???

*** have sleeves on your shirt? ***  If you answer ‘yes’, then I am sorry you are not Supernova material.  This is an optimal way for dude rockers to show off their guns and/or tattoos and a great way for chick rockers to show their track marks

*** wear eye shadow? ***  This is not just for the ladies anymore.  Dude rockers love the eye shadow.  It’s best to cake it on and use a color that makes the viewer ask “what the fuck is that?”

*** have stupid hair? ***  If your hair is a mohawk or a “faux”-hawk or is colored in some stupid way, your hair is stupid.  Stupid hair = Potential rockstar

*** wear a wallet chain? *** I don’t even know what these are really called but I am sure know what I mean.  If you have one, your dumb but on brightside you could be a rockstar.

*** weigh under 115 lbs *** If your weight would prevent you from riding most adult amusement park rides, you prolly are the weight range it takes to be a rockstar.  (See also: Iggy Pop, Steven Tyler, Axl Rose, Keith Richards, and Jesse McCartney)

*** have bags under your eyes? *** This suggests a long night of heroin, whiskey, and skanky groupie sex.  As much as you think it is cool to look strung out, its not and your a skank.  But again, you could be a rockstar.  Don’t believe me?  Look at Tommy Lee.  He has all the key points to be a grungy skanky rockstar, plus talks like he is slightly retarded.  Note to T-Lee — You are a Douche Bag!

So to answer my original question…NO!  Luckily I do not have what it takes to be the next Rockstar: Supernova.  I can go on with trying to golf, crosswords, and cooking stuff on the grill.