Being Aaron Michael

We all know that Myspace is the freshest fad of the moment, and most of us are addicted to it.  It is one of those things that everyone “hates” but cant get enough of.  After having an account on Myspace for a few months, I think they should change the slogan from “a place for friends” to “a place for friends who want to meet single parents, aspiring strippers, and people that were too cool to talk to you growing up”.  Just a thought.  But if it wasn’t for Myspace, a lot of things would not be possible.  Below are a list of things made happen by Tom and our “friends” at Myspace. 

- I can now have my favorite players on the Baltimore Ravens as some of my “top friends”

- I can see who my closest friends like more than me

- I can end an argument by saying “im taking you out of my top 8″

- I can add people that I never talked to HS, so now I can never talk to them on Myspace

- I can track a message I send.  See that the person read it and didnt respond.  I hate you.

- I can get excited for having 3500 profile views

- I can now read pointless surverys and find out where girls had their first kiss, that they dont like sushi, and their favorite movie is Dirty Dancing.  At least your original.

- I can be “friends” with Citizen Cope.  Ya know, like we go way back. 

- I can list all bands, movies, books, and tv shows I watch thinking that people will 1) actually read the list and 2) actually give a shit. 

- When my number of “friends” decreases, I can peruse my friend list for twenty minutes tring to figure out who the hell it was only to determine that I have no idea. 

- I can now be in a bar and have some annoying tool come up to me and say “why wont you accept me as a friend on Myspace”…Newsflash - You’re a wang. 

- When texting, my T9 feature now suggests the word “Myspace” but still doesnt recognize “fuck”, “asshole”, or “skanky whore”. 

I like cereal, a lot in fact.  A lot of the times I will want a small and sweet treat, and I will be thinking that a handful of cereal will be a nice snack.  But why doesn’t cereal taste as good dry?  After numerous milk-less handfuls of all kinds of cereals, the ultimately results in me saying to myself “wow this was not a good idea at all”.  You expect the cereal to be more crunchy than when soaked in moo-juice, but I dont think you quite anticipate the awkward and jagged mouthful you have to now deal with.  Well, after losing blood from being stabbed in the gums by Golden Grahams, Froot Loops, and Life…I have finally cracked the code.  ALL CEREAL IS STALE!  I think all cereal companies know that there are only two types of cereal-eaters 1) people that soak their breakfast in milk and 2) toddlers.  The milk will obviously disguise the level of staleness and toddlers wouldnt know the difference either way (even if they do, their parents wont listen).  So basically these companies are charging $4.50 for a box of Golden Grahams that could be a solid 5 years old.  Another trick they are using to deploy their staleness are those breakfast cereal bars…basically you are purchasing a cut on the roof of your mouth mixed with some weird white paste that is suppose to represent milk but shares a consistancy with Icy Hot (most of you know my history with Icy Hot).  Basically they are trying to re-create the Rice Krispie Treat.  Next time you are thinking of reaching for a satisfying handful of Cookie Crisp, think better of it and save yourself from a possible Root Canal-at-home situation. 

I think it’s funny when…

…you are driving, and there is a turn coming up, and you lean your body into you the turn.  Like the 5000 pounds of metal around will be effected and take the turn a bit better

…I try to drink any thing really fast I start spilling it down the front of me. 

…A customer lies to my face, and I call them on it.  Don’t do that.  I am like sale rep version of House MD. 

…You see a muscle-head with huge arms and shoulders but has this little swan legs.  Hey toolbox, while your spending 3 hours a day in the gym, its ok to work out your legs.  Junk. 

…I put notes in my phone for my next blog entry, then when I go to reference those blogs I have no idea what the hell I was talking about.  Right now I am trying to work on blogs about “old timers” and “scissors” but thats all I got. 

If you are going to read ONE book anytime soon…

…I think it should be Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman.  It is a book of essays written by Mr. Klosterman that range in topics such as the cast of Saved by the Bell, a Guns N Roses coverband, and why we should all hate John Cusack.  The topics are not unique in an of themselves, but the way Klosterman uses such topic to explain preception of our society.  This is a must read for anyone who recalls anything about 80’s and 90’s.  Throughout the book I promise that you will a) laugh out loud, b) utter to yourself “wow thats so true”, and c) want to hang out a serial killer (gotta read to find out more).  This was a recommedation from Kurt that sat on my shelf for about a year before I gave it a chance.  It’s now one of my favorite books and I am looking for his next release on September 5th. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people overuse certain words because they think its cool.  The other pet peeves of course include people that chew loud, swallow loud, douche bags on unnecessarily loud motorcycles, kids that wear their hat off to the side, and the amish.  When did it become custom for everyone to use the word “fantastic”?  Do you realize how stupid you sound when you say it?  And to make it worse, it seems as if people are putting extra emphasis on when they say it.  Must be to make sure that everyone around knows they are using the word “fantastic”.  I hate you. 

At least when people use the words awesome or sweet there is no actual measurement of those words.  They are very thorough and get the point of what you are trying to say across.  On the other hand, Fantastic, does have a measurement (def: Wonderful or superb; remarkable) or standard that can be compared to whatever is “fantastic”.  Example…

me - “I am going golfing tonite”
douche bag - “FANTASTIC!”
***it is not wonderful, superb, or remarkable that I am golfing tonite, ESPECIALLY for you! So you should just bite nails.

My point is this, other than sounding like a fucking tool, you are probably overusing the word which ultimately makes you a sarcastic asshole whom I no longer wish to associate with.  Don’t say stupid words and maybe people will like you.