Being Aaron Michael

Apparently, I can no longer write blogs due to my recently developed adult-ADD.  I think of a good topic and one of the following things occurs…

1) I forget the topic
2) I start writing and forget why I wanted to write about whatever topic it is
3) I start writing and realize it’s not blog-able material
4) I start writing and then i notice something shiny on my desk and forget what I was doing and then check Facebook out of habit

However, I do have a list of a few topics to write about so I wont forget them (unless of course i forget where I put the list). 

Now that I am nearing my 30’s, a lot of my acquaintances are venturing into parenthood.  One thing that I have noticed about their kids is that the baby instantly develops a nickname.  The most popular equation is simply throwing an “Y” on the end of the name (sounds like E), see below…

*** Mark + Y  = Marky
*** Jake + Y = Jakey
*** Sam + Y = Sammy
*** Jim + Y = Jimmy
I think that is enough examples (eventhough they are all boys names, im sure it works for girls names as well)

What I don’t get is that I dont know any adults that are called Marky or Jakey.  So there has to be a time where the kid out-grows their baby nickname.  But when is this?  Is there a cutoff? And how the hell does the family train itself to call them by their grown-up name?  I think we should set a deadline.  My initial thought is that when a kid turns 13 they instantly should be called what they are going to be called from then on.  Unless the kid is super masculine at a younger age, maybe they are shaving at 11 or chewing tobacco at 12, those kids earn the right to be nullify their baby nickname quicker and transition to their real name (they should also be able to change their name to Bruce or Tank).  After that 13th birthday, family and friends who slip up by calling them Joey or Timmy should be penalized.  Next question, what is a fair punishment?  Obviously violence is always the first form of punishment that comes to mind.  But what level violence is a good trade off for calling someone by the wrong form of their name?  Here are my suggestions…

1 Slip Up - The person who is guilty has to stand facing a wall and the kid gets to whip a raquetball at their back

2 Slip Ups - The guilty party has to stand with their back against the wall, and this time the kid can use a golf ball to whip at them

3 Slip Ups - The grown up is tied to a chair and the kid can do whatever he/she wants as long is draws blood.

I think it would be safe to assume there wouldn’t be a 4th slip up.  My parents are lucky you can’t put a “Y” on end of my name to cuten it up at all.

Since there is nothing else on TV the only thing to watch is the Olympics.  I find some of the Olympics compelling and I find some so inane that I can’t help but say…WTF!  Please explain to me why speed walking is a sport, let alone an Olympic sport.  I watched for a solid 30 minutes just so I can figure out what the hell I was watching.  Here are a few observations…

*** There are commentators.  They literally say nothing.  These people are talking about how tough it is to be a walk racer (that’s the PC term).  It just so happens to be raining and all these commentators are talking about how the rain causes ”bubbling” on the surface and how the walk racers can trip over these “bubbles” if they aren’t careful.  So let me get this straight, the walkers have to be careful not to trip over water….while WALKING.  - “oh I’m sorry I tripped over some water during my after-dinner stroll” - Play a real sport, you make Poker look athletic.

*** They look ridiculous.  If you have never seen walk racing, I will paint a picture.  First start with a homely soccer mom…dress her like a runner…make her walk like Ace Ventura…with flippers on her feet…while shaking an invisible hula-hoop on her ass…then tell her to go for a 10K walk, but she has to come home for dinner in precisely 90 mins…but there’s a catch…you can’t run…only walk…FAST!!!

*** As hard as it is to analyze, People actual try.  I’ll save you some time.  There is no analysis.  It’s fast walking.  Don’t and try to sugar coat it.  They can talk about different fluids each of the “competitors” prefer.  Which is funny because an old person that drinks Ensure could handle this “sport”.  They can talk about their diets.  Look, I walked uptown the other day, very fast, and I picked up a pizza.  I was only 35 seconds from qualifying.

*** Practice?  How the hell do you practice speed walking.  Wouldn’t just say “fuck it” and start to run at some point.  Maybe they mount something on a helmet for them to chase, and if move to fast they shot with a stun gun.  I can picture the soccer mom’s coach taking out his old beer can hard hat and a fishing pole.  Strapping the pole to the hard hat then lastly putting the keys to a new Volvo on the hook and then ZAP!!!!

*** There are warnings and disqualifications.  “Damn it, I hate it when I mean to walk but I accidentally started to break into run”.  Can you get DQ’d in real sprints if you “accidently” start to walk?  I don’t think so.  When you get warned, a guy comes out and steps in front of you while shoving a yellow paddle in your face.  No pun intended, but wouldn’t you just want to run him over?

*** They aren’t bright.  As I stated, it was pouring during this “Olympic walking marathon”, well one of the ladies grabbed a bottle of water from a spectator and poured it on her head…WHILE IT’S POURING!

Ok, I’m bored with this, time to watch something competitive.  Is fishing an Olympic sport yet?   

I know, I know I say this over and over, but I am really going to start this up again.  You’re asking, “well what’s different this time Aaron?”  I will tell you this…I have no idea!  Maybe I feel like funny things to write about are coming to me more and more.  Maybe it’s that I need hobby.  Who knows the reason but enjoy!

No matter how many people i talk to each day, there seems to be a common theme or subject that arises…the economy.  It seems like most people are affected (or effected, I always forget which).  So it got me to thinking, is this the closest our generation will get to seeing the “Great Depression”?  And then I figured, if it is then I should start remembering certain things so I can relay to my grandchildren how bad we had in the “Minor Recession Pre-Election 08″.  Then I realized something absolutely hysterical…the things that we think are tough make us look like sissy’s compared to the 20’s.  Though I missed the “Great Depression” by a mere 80 plus years, I feel like I was there due to the movies Cinderella Man and any Batman movie. 

THEN - People had to wait in lines for the possibilty of getting milk.
NOW - People go to Old Navy and stuff as many clothes into a bag for 20% off.

THEN - Farmers noticed the price of crops drop approx. 50%.
NOW - More and more people are shopping at Aldi’s.

THEN - Guys had to go to worksites just in case they needed an extra laborer.
NOW - Tim Horton’s always has 4 or 5 extra employees working and none of them know what’s going on.

THEN - People were handed rationing coupons so they were guaranteed food for their family.
NOW - Every store has their own club card/punch card/keychain card that try to sell you on.

THEN - FDR introduced “The New Deal” to help relieve the Great Depression.
NOW - On Black Friday, people fight each other over things like DVD Players and Flat Screen TV’s.

Well, hopefully that’s as close as the similarities get!